I have no problem creating successful businesses for others, but for myself I haven't quite found the right balance. My major problem arises when I fall into a funk, lose energy and focus....when working without a partner there is no one to pick up the slack. I wonder will I ever be able to build success alone? My current business began to fail as I felt the irritability and frustration of not seeing a (quick) return on my investment. My rational mind knows that is usually not the case and growth takes patience and time, unfortunately I wasn't able to tell that to my creditors. I had liquidated all that I had, borrowed from family and my bank account was in the negative, I was trying to stay afloat. This setback triggered the "darkness" and I soon began to give up. I lied to myself saying I wasn't giving up just taking a short break, maybe get a "9-5" and save up some money. None of that was true, instead I've spent the last few weeks just trying to take care of my family's most basic needs.
The new year provided a sense of optimism, but that too has been short lived. I fight the depression like my life depends on it, and it does. Still, I am the one battered and bruised. As long as things are going well I feel as though I am cured, normal. But the smallest setback can be a trigger. I haven't interacted with many people lately, so I felt as though I had my emotions under control, until my daughter mentioned a bad grade on her progress report. My response was a threatening tirade in front of one of her friends that not only embarrassed her, but me and the realization that I still could not control my emotions sent me into an even deeper "funk". Why? Because as long as I wasn't interacting with people, and avoided all triggers, I thought I was well. The same reason why we come off medication - our mind tricks us into feeling we are better. I've been in the same cycle for twenty years. Always thinking I've somehow been cured while sleep :-)
I haven't been on medication over a decade and haven't had counseling either. I've decided to seek help. I've swallowed my pride and applied for SSI/SSD to help me through the rough months. What I really want is to find away to help young people identify this illness early on. It's an outrage that with all my symptoms I wasn't accurately diagnosed until 35. I have to find a way to bring awareness to Bipolar disorder and help other avoid the "depression illusion".
