The Depression Illusion

I have no problem creating successful businesses for others, but for myself I haven't quite found the right balance.  My major problem arises when I fall into a funk, lose energy and focus....when working without a partner there is no one to pick up the slack.  I wonder will I ever be able to build success alone?  My current business began to fail as I felt the irritability and frustration of not seeing a (quick) return on my investment.  My rational mind knows that is usually not the case and growth takes patience and time, unfortunately I wasn't able to tell that to my creditors.  I had liquidated all that I had, borrowed from family and my bank account was in the negative,  I was trying to stay afloat.  This setback triggered the "darkness" and I soon began to give up.  I lied to myself saying I wasn't giving up just taking a short break, maybe get a "9-5" and save up some money.  None of that was true, instead I've spent the last few weeks just trying to take care of my family's most basic needs. 
The new year provided a sense of optimism, but that too has been short lived.  I fight the depression like my life depends on it, and it does.  Still, I am the one battered and bruised.  As long as things are going well I feel as though I am cured, normal.  But the smallest setback can be a trigger.  I haven't interacted with many people lately, so I felt as though I had my emotions under control, until my daughter mentioned a bad grade on her progress report.  My response was a threatening tirade in front of one of her friends that not only embarrassed her, but me and the realization that I still could not control my emotions sent me into an even deeper "funk".  Why?  Because as long as I wasn't interacting with people, and avoided all triggers, I thought I was well.  The same reason why we come off medication - our mind tricks us into feeling we are  better.  I've been in the same cycle for twenty years.  Always thinking I've somehow been cured while sleep :-)
I haven't been on medication over a decade and haven't had counseling either.  I've decided to seek help.  I've swallowed my pride and applied for SSI/SSD to help me through the rough months.  What I really want is to find away to help young people identify this illness early on.  It's an outrage that with all my symptoms I wasn't accurately diagnosed until 35.  I have to find a way to bring awareness to Bipolar disorder and help other avoid the "depression illusion".

Fighting The (depession) Blues

     I have not mastered the art of "fighting the blues" but I am a work in progress.  The holiday season is the most difficult time of year for me; not having family around and not having the funds to make my daughter's Christmas spectacular are always bummers.  So, I was happy to receive an invitation to Oprah's free 21-day meditation.  I thought for sure it would help me make it through the holiday season.  I felt relaxed and empowered the first time I had participated.  Unfortunately, this time did not go so well, my mind just would not allow me to focus.

     I'm listing a few reminders of ways to fight the holiday blues, to help me avoid following into a depressed state during the winter months:

1.   Don't Isolate Yourself.  If invited somewhere, stop with the excuses and go.
2.   Stay Positive.  Counter negative thoughts with positive ones.
3.   Surround Yourself With Happy People.  Happiness can be contagious.
4.   Smile.  Smile for no reason, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.
5.   Journal.  Write about the things you are grateful for each day.
6.   Give Of Yourself.  Giving makes you feel good and it always comes back to you.
7.   Laugh.  Laughter is awesome medicine.
8.   Stay In The Now.  Don't stress over the past or worry about the future.
9.   You Can Only Do What You Can Do.  Don't beat yourself up over mistakes or mishaps. Let it go.
10.  Love yourself.  Accept yourself and all of the flaws that make you perfectly you.
11.  Be Still.  Listen. You don't always need to respond, be right, or have the last word.

     I came across a post entitled "13 things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" by Amy Morin.  You should google it.  I realized I had a bad habit of doing a lot of the forbidden things on her list, so I printed it out and every now and then when i'm getting in a funk i'll pull it out and read it so I can identify the things that I'm doing that I need to stop doing and I challenge myself to make the change.  Knowing is half the battle.  I'm now in the know.  I'll keep you posted as I navigate my way through the season.  What's your secret to fighting the blues?

Negative "self-talk". Who cares what people think?

I always tell my daughter, “don’t worry about what people think about you” but honestly that is one of my biggest problems.  My “trigger” or spiral into depression is most often caused by negative self-talk and obsession over what others thinks of me.  Issues are always magnified in my mind 100X.  My brain becomes clouded, noisy, and overloaded with possible scenarios of what I should or should not have done or said, what other people are thinking or saying about me. The truth of the matter is, the people I’m worried about are most likely not obsessing over me.  “You cannot control other people’s actions, so do not stress yourself out worrying about it” is what I warn.  It’s time to take my own advice.   

This obsession turns into fear and anxiety.  For example, I’ll avoid the grocery store or running important errands if I’m not happy with my appearance.  I’ve lived in my current city for just four years and I don’t know very many people here, yet my mind will convince me I’m going to run into the one or two people I do know and they’ll no longer see me in a positive light.  Irrational! I know.  Even knowing that my racing thoughts are irrational doesn’t help me overcome the paralyzing fear.  If I am forced to go out when I am not feeling very pretty, I feel as if even strangers are noticing whatever flaw I’ve zoned in on.   It’s possible that I suffer from a form of social anxiety, but I can’t get diagnosed because I’m too afraid to be seen at a mental health office… someone may find out.

I suggest trying to counter negative self-talk with positive thoughts.  I am a work in progress when it comes to this skill.  Recognizing when I’m being irrational and talking myself through it helps.  I am aware of my mood change when I began to obsess over; all the fun I think someone else is having, how happy people are without me in their life, or the gossip that’s being spread about how miserable I am.  With a clear head I know these things are most likely not true, partially due to the fact that I spend a great amount of time trying to appear “sane”, “normal”, “put together”.  From the outside looking in, I don’t think anyone would suspect the chaos that goes on in my head.  Keep in mind, dear reader that these thoughts are all in my head, I wouldn’t run the risk of appearing anything less than confident.  A therapist once told me I have a need to control everything around me, including people’s perception of me.   It was an “ah-ha!” moment as Oprah would say, I’ve always had a need to be the perfect girlfriend, daughter, and etc.

Negative self-talk has caused me to ignore some potentially good suitors.  I am grateful for all of the attention I get from the opposite sex.  It builds my self-esteem for the moment.  But it doesn’t take long before the negative self-talk kicks in, somehow I think I exude sexuality and that’s what attracts men, so I shy away after a few dates feeling as though they are just after sex.  I have a hard time accepting compliments, as I don’t always agree with their assessment.  I often worry to myself that ;  “yes, he thinks I’m perfect now but once he realizes that this small frame actually has a big belly strategically hidden under this form fitting shirt, or boobs that will sag if not for Victoria, or worst that I’m bipolar, he’ll change his mind”.

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past.  If you are anxious, you are living in the future.  If you are at peace you are living in the present.”  Lao Tzu

 The above quote helps me through those moments when I am obsessing over the past wishing to change it.  How do you counter negative self-talk?  How has it affected your life?  Or are you one who has mastered the refreshing art of not caring what others think?

"Monster" by Eminem featuring Rihanna...a mental health anthem??

A few days ago my daughter was playing the song “The Monster” by Eminem featuring Rihanna. Immediately the hook caught my attention.  I googled the lyrics and the next thing you know it was my ringtone.  Since gaining awareness of the Bipolar disorder I live with, I tend to secretly diagnose others (especially celebrities).  I felt at ease once I discovered a community of people who were like me and almost immediately the stigma and shame was lifted.  The reassurance of knowing that I could not only function but excel in life, in part due to the illness was a huge wake up call.  Prior to my research on Bipolar disorder and depression I had always expected to fail, eventually, it was in my mind inevitable.  Constant praises from friends and family for my accomplishments were always plagued with the fear of knowing depression was lurking around the corner.  I began to embrace that I am blessed with a fierce amount of creativity (even if it is short lived, lol).  I now work feverishly but with more focus when manic all while preparing properly for the inevitable.  Hopefully this time when I crash, I won’t take all that I have built and sacrificed for with me.  Constantly rebuilding wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t come with the consequence of watching my family suffers with instability. 

It feels like a blessing and a curse as I can’t imagine who I would be without the creativity, which to me is my only claim to fame.  My dream is to be happy, to one day live my life free from depression.  My goal in keeping this online journal is to meet more people like myself, share stories, and learn from one another all in a hopes that I’ll discover a way to make my dream possible.  I apologize to my readers for my lack of formal training in journalism; composing complete sentences, paragraphs and other grammatical errors that may cause you to want to take a red pen to the entire post.  Hopefully, I’ll find the time to take a course in the next few years.  My Professor constantly scolds me, “at a graduate level you should be able to write a paper using proper APA style” and I agree but I’m a little more focused on content versus delivery which is another one of my issues to be discussed at a later time, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. I digress

 I  don't know if "The Monster" would be considered a mental health anthem but I commend Eminem for having the courage to openly discuss his demons.  His song fuels my theory that if more public figures would admit to the mental illness in which they live, it would become more acceptable.  Much like the stigma that is slowly being removed from the LGBT community.  Individuals with mental illness would be seen as more of an asset once the world realizes how many of its leaders, icons, legends, and innovators belong to “the club”.  Again, I have my suspicions  on who is living with mental illness, but I’ll allow them to “out” themselves J 

The Psycho Ex

       By nature, I have always been the take charge, say what's on my mind, confident type but in relationships I become meek, accommodating, affectionate, and eager to please.  Former beaus have labeled me the same way "sweet". I've always heard; "She's so sweet", "she's perfect"... until the emotional side shows up.  I think insecurity is my trigger.  When my emotions took over I was no longer in control.  About 8 years ago I met a guy, we fell for one another rather quickly, plans for marriage within the next two years.  He thought he had met the perfect woman.   I had so many ideas and he would fund them all.  One of my business ideas became very profitable and that's when it happened.  I, the once uber-confident woman became insecure, jealous, and a nag.  

     My ex, let's call him "Ty", tried every reassurance possible but when I was alone with my thoughts they'd have their way with me.  Completely irrational, I had no valid reason to feel the way I did.  I checked his laptop, cell phone, followed him, turned into a regular Jessica Fletcher or worst a stalker.  My new found occupation as a detective yielded no results, only resulted in increased feelings of guilt, regret, embarassment and disappointment causing me to become even more depressed.  Those emotions/feelings are food for depression, it thrives on negative energy.  Ty expressed frustration with the constant accusation filled emails that were my weapon of choice.  Instead of admitting to the man I loved that I suffered from anxiety, I ran away.  I packed my things and moved out.  When his shift was over he returned home to an empty house.  I had relocated to another state, changed my number, and blocked my email.  Yes, it was extreme to say the least.  I felt myself losing control and did not want to become the "psycho-ex", I cared too much about what other people thought and rather than stay and possibly get caught and have my image as the "perfect girl" tarnished, I ran.  

Out of sight out of mind worked for a while.  I knew he was hurt and had tried to find me and eventually he did.  The company we planned out while lying in bed a year before had spun its way into a huge success and I had just walked away from it all.  I was content and at peace with my new quaint life working a 9-5, but Ty knew me and knew it wouldn't last.  I was an entrepreneur!  So we talked about what I really wanted to do and he funded two new business ventures for me.  He'd fly back and forth showing up unannounced, under the guise that he just wanted to make sure I was OK.  I think he needed closure because the day after my grand opening I received a call from a family member stating Ty's wedding was that afternoon.  Really??  He hadn't mentioned anything to me as we birthed our new babies (businesses).  It's hard to believe but he actually sent me a text the day of his wedding and asked, "If I was OK"?  I think he knew I knew... we never spoke again.   His company's net worth is in the millions and the 2 companies we started in my new city failed in the 1st year.  I just didn't have the desire, the commitment, or the energy.... I was depressed!

    To help heal the heartache, I began to date, nothing serious just trying to keep my spirits up.  After about a year my suitors were down to just one guy, let's call him "Jay".  I confided in Jay that I was ready to rebuild and start my next business but it was in an industry I knew very little about.  Jay insisted that I stay with what I was good at and rebuild in the same industry that had now made my ex, Ty, a millionaire.   At this point I and my admitted rebound Jay were in somewhat of a relationship so I agreed to start off in the area that I had mastered.  Like before, Jay provided the funding and I provided everything else including 12 hour days, 6 days a week.   Once the company made its first profit, and like clockwork, I felt depression knocking at my door.  The cycle had begun again, unfortunately I did not recognize it as such.  I would wake up in the middle of the night with my mind flooded with negative thoughts. They wouldn't subside until I had given into a compulsion to text or email Jay whatever thoughts were in my head.  The emails would berate him, accuse him, and attack him.  I'd apologize, say it would never happen again, but it would.  It was as if I couldn't control myself.  I knew my accusations were irrational and unfounded but my mind would be flooded and I had to clear my head so I'd end up doing it again. 

   

  Jay pleaded with me to stop and I tried but the verbal abuse continued, "I hate you", "You're nothing without me", "I built you", "you're a user", "a cheater".  He sat me down several times confiding in me about his childhood and why my rants and taunts bothered him so.  My delusions grew so much that I decided to leave my position at the company opting to stay on as an owner and receive my dividends.  I felt myself unraveling and didn't want any witnesses so it was time to go into hiding.  A little too late, Jay had had enough.  When I left my position he took it as abandonment and spearheaded an initiative, a mutiny if you will that booted me out of the company I built.  Leaving me without a dime as they expanded.  If you're feeling sorry for this poor guy and all the abuse he suffered don't bother...a woman had given birth to his child during our courtship and unbeknownst to me.

     I promise this is not a "woe is me" story.  Hitting rock bottom this last time is what caused me to search the Internet and discover the blog "Bipolar and Successful", it's what helped me to identify why the sweet girl Ty and Jay fell in love with turned into an emotional wreck, it caused me to accept accountability for my actions and admit I am a self-saboteur.   Most importantly, it’s forced me to recognize the vicious cycle I was caught in and seek help getting off this unhealthy merry-go-round.  Please share your stories, trust me they help.

A Manic Success - Day1

     My first job was at age 16, in 20 years I've had 20 different jobs and I've never been fired, I've always quit.  I never really understood why. I thought it was because I would get bored, broke up with a boyfriend resulting in depression, had anxiety over my appearance or what others thought of me, or my favorite excuse to quit a job, "I could be working for myself".  The truth, as I discovered a few months back when I came upon a blog entitled "Bipolar and Successful", is I AM BIPOLAR.

     Honestly,  I had been diagnosed last year during a psych exam.  However I ignored the diagnosis and continued to tell people I suffered from anxiety. Anxiety somehow seemed less threatening, less well... "crazy". I always referred to the rest of the world as "normal".  My mood swings, rapid thoughts, outburst, emotional nature, mixed with bouts of extreme creativity, energy and risk-taking wasn't what I would call normal in comparison to my more emotionally stable friends.  There were others like me who had loss great jobs and who were serial entrepreneurs, I had found "my normal".  " Bipolar and Successful" was the first time I met people like me.  I had a need to learn more and share success stories on how we not only cope but thrive and so here marks my 1st blog. Welcome!

     I plan to document my journey...I have just opened my 6th business (self-sabotaged the previous 5), finishing my MBA, raising a family, recovering from a recent breakup all with a new found understanding of who I am and who I want to become.  We have a lot of ground to cover, together, it should be exciting and inspirational.  I believe there are many successful people suffering with mental illness but the stigma has caused them to keep it a secret.  The goal of this site is to help and encourage others.  I encourage you to share your stories of success. You are not alone!