The Psycho Ex

       By nature, I have always been the take charge, say what's on my mind, confident type but in relationships I become meek, accommodating, affectionate, and eager to please.  Former beaus have labeled me the same way "sweet". I've always heard; "She's so sweet", "she's perfect"... until the emotional side shows up.  I think insecurity is my trigger.  When my emotions took over I was no longer in control.  About 8 years ago I met a guy, we fell for one another rather quickly, plans for marriage within the next two years.  He thought he had met the perfect woman.   I had so many ideas and he would fund them all.  One of my business ideas became very profitable and that's when it happened.  I, the once uber-confident woman became insecure, jealous, and a nag.  

     My ex, let's call him "Ty", tried every reassurance possible but when I was alone with my thoughts they'd have their way with me.  Completely irrational, I had no valid reason to feel the way I did.  I checked his laptop, cell phone, followed him, turned into a regular Jessica Fletcher or worst a stalker.  My new found occupation as a detective yielded no results, only resulted in increased feelings of guilt, regret, embarassment and disappointment causing me to become even more depressed.  Those emotions/feelings are food for depression, it thrives on negative energy.  Ty expressed frustration with the constant accusation filled emails that were my weapon of choice.  Instead of admitting to the man I loved that I suffered from anxiety, I ran away.  I packed my things and moved out.  When his shift was over he returned home to an empty house.  I had relocated to another state, changed my number, and blocked my email.  Yes, it was extreme to say the least.  I felt myself losing control and did not want to become the "psycho-ex", I cared too much about what other people thought and rather than stay and possibly get caught and have my image as the "perfect girl" tarnished, I ran.  

Out of sight out of mind worked for a while.  I knew he was hurt and had tried to find me and eventually he did.  The company we planned out while lying in bed a year before had spun its way into a huge success and I had just walked away from it all.  I was content and at peace with my new quaint life working a 9-5, but Ty knew me and knew it wouldn't last.  I was an entrepreneur!  So we talked about what I really wanted to do and he funded two new business ventures for me.  He'd fly back and forth showing up unannounced, under the guise that he just wanted to make sure I was OK.  I think he needed closure because the day after my grand opening I received a call from a family member stating Ty's wedding was that afternoon.  Really??  He hadn't mentioned anything to me as we birthed our new babies (businesses).  It's hard to believe but he actually sent me a text the day of his wedding and asked, "If I was OK"?  I think he knew I knew... we never spoke again.   His company's net worth is in the millions and the 2 companies we started in my new city failed in the 1st year.  I just didn't have the desire, the commitment, or the energy.... I was depressed!

    To help heal the heartache, I began to date, nothing serious just trying to keep my spirits up.  After about a year my suitors were down to just one guy, let's call him "Jay".  I confided in Jay that I was ready to rebuild and start my next business but it was in an industry I knew very little about.  Jay insisted that I stay with what I was good at and rebuild in the same industry that had now made my ex, Ty, a millionaire.   At this point I and my admitted rebound Jay were in somewhat of a relationship so I agreed to start off in the area that I had mastered.  Like before, Jay provided the funding and I provided everything else including 12 hour days, 6 days a week.   Once the company made its first profit, and like clockwork, I felt depression knocking at my door.  The cycle had begun again, unfortunately I did not recognize it as such.  I would wake up in the middle of the night with my mind flooded with negative thoughts. They wouldn't subside until I had given into a compulsion to text or email Jay whatever thoughts were in my head.  The emails would berate him, accuse him, and attack him.  I'd apologize, say it would never happen again, but it would.  It was as if I couldn't control myself.  I knew my accusations were irrational and unfounded but my mind would be flooded and I had to clear my head so I'd end up doing it again. 

   

  Jay pleaded with me to stop and I tried but the verbal abuse continued, "I hate you", "You're nothing without me", "I built you", "you're a user", "a cheater".  He sat me down several times confiding in me about his childhood and why my rants and taunts bothered him so.  My delusions grew so much that I decided to leave my position at the company opting to stay on as an owner and receive my dividends.  I felt myself unraveling and didn't want any witnesses so it was time to go into hiding.  A little too late, Jay had had enough.  When I left my position he took it as abandonment and spearheaded an initiative, a mutiny if you will that booted me out of the company I built.  Leaving me without a dime as they expanded.  If you're feeling sorry for this poor guy and all the abuse he suffered don't bother...a woman had given birth to his child during our courtship and unbeknownst to me.

     I promise this is not a "woe is me" story.  Hitting rock bottom this last time is what caused me to search the Internet and discover the blog "Bipolar and Successful", it's what helped me to identify why the sweet girl Ty and Jay fell in love with turned into an emotional wreck, it caused me to accept accountability for my actions and admit I am a self-saboteur.   Most importantly, it’s forced me to recognize the vicious cycle I was caught in and seek help getting off this unhealthy merry-go-round.  Please share your stories, trust me they help.